School mascot discovers real father is Demogorgon

A new records dump by Ancestry.com has led many university mascots to search for their forgotten parents that were disconnected at birth. The records include birth certificates, marriage records, burial sites, and passports dating back to the early 20th century. Western Mexico University’s mascot Rawhide was recently reconnected with his father, the Demogorgon. “I didn’t know what to believe when I finally made the connection through a university adoption document,” said Rawhide. “I could feel my mane stand up as I read the name.” The discovery has made national news despite university officials’ attempt to keep the story quiet because of the negative association with the demonic monster. “We stand by the positive values and the many contributions that Rawhide has brought to our student body and community,” said WNMU President Dr. Joseph Shepard. Since 1984, the Demogorgon has been thought to father many offspring, most of them believed to be...

Applied Technology program creates lighting system to track human activity

With a recent spike in missing teenage boys throughout southwest New Mexico, the innovative creation team of the Applied Technology Department has unveiled a new electrical messaging system to track human activity. A grant from the Department of Energy allowed for the purchase of 100-Watt bulbs to be installed across more than one million acres in the Gila National Forest. WNMU partnered with Hawkins Power and Light to develop a complex behavioral tracking system initiated by human voice. “We found that the most effective ways to find missing relatives are through the frantic screams of traumatized mothers,” said Dr. Martin Brenner, senior research scientist and Director of Hawkins National Laboratory. The secretive laboratory is located in an undisclosed location in the Gila National Forest. A selected group of grieving mothers of missing children volunteered during the initial phases of the project, screaming at different decimals and distances from the last point of...